Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales.

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales. This week, I'm in a studio in Carmarthen with Chris Corcoran.

We are having a light-hearted gamble through the newspapers. I'm gonna get a newspaper now and see what I can find. Hold the fort, Korkey. I'm going to the floor. / OK. ... Rhod Gilbert bends over and picks up one of his many newspapers that he's spread out over the carpet. / Oh, this was interesting. / ... I can't believe you've still got notes written down on s__ of bits of paper that I wrote down. / I still carry around ... / __ still, like Chimp Quiz, you still carry that around with the little title you put __ on your little pile of newspapers you never read. / Yeah. / I know I mention it every time, but it does stand out. / Yeah. I ... / ... 'cause it's more just a habit than anything else, isn't it? It's like a safety net of ... of __ __ paper / I've got a little carrier bag, in which I carry the show around with me. / I mean, talk about bag for life, it's true, innit? You have that thing ... / I have that bag for a few years. / You have that bag for ages. / That is probably, and I'm not ... you know, this is not a feature, necessarily, but it could be. If you think you've had a bag for life ... a plastic one, not one of the ... / Not hessian. / ... not hessian sack. ... / Huh huh. / Everybody's got those. / They're good, those. / How long have you had a bag for life for? What's the longest you've had a bag for life? That's a good feature, that, because that one ... how long __ that be__ __ __ / carry the show __ __ / my bag for life/briefcase / __ __ like, seven years / ... No, it's not that old, mate. / Five years. / ... Is it? No. I'd go four. / All right. Four years / Let's go four years. / __ __ four years. / I would say, a bag for life, I've had for four years, a plastic bag that ... that, sort of, is my kind of work's briefcase. / It is. / It's like ... / It is. / It's got the show in it. / It's definitely four years because I don't recognize __ __ even my ... my memory / that sort of / aubergines on it / stuff, isn't it? / I don't recognize. I don't even remember it. ... 'Cause you normally you remember your bag for ... bag for life design, don't you? ... even for a short-term. / I don't think __ __ ever / heard you __ anything less. / Do you wanna play a track ? / __ normally, ... I wouldn't __ __ that T-shirt, ... normally, you remember your bags for life __ __ designs and things / Yeah. / I don't think __ you do remember your bags for life designs and things. / Well, in __ short-term, you / from the top of your head, give me your top three bag for life designs you've got. / Uh ... orange ... orange ... uh ... / What do you mean, "orange" ? / ... from __ ... / It's not the design, is it? ... Orange? / No, but ... I'm just ... __ __ / Hey, can we just point, though ... can we just point out, before we, uh, go on with this feature, ... / Yeah, / ... or __ __ to qualify this feature, ... I've had this bag for life for four ... let's say five ... let's say four or five years 'cause you think __ __ I think it's more like four or five ... / Four or five is accurate. / four to five years I've had this bag for life ... we should point out it's not a hessian bag for life, nor is it one of those reinforced ... that kind of really __ ... you know __ __ the ones I mean / plastic / __ __ almost, like, tent material. / They're like ... it's not tent, but it's like ... / ... yes. / You know. / ... sort of, it's ... it's really ... / It is like a tarpaulin / like a tarpaulin / That's what it is like / it's not one of those / this is your regular ... / Yeah, plastic. / ... regular plastic bag slightly stronger than the thinnest ones that all __ __ poke through before __ __ even have to shop. / Yeah. / So, this is, uh ... you know, this is __ bottom level ... this is your entry bag for life. / And it's got aubergines on it. And it's not as __ as I remember. / And, the amazing thing is, the design hasn't even worn off. / No. / It's a quality bag. / Quality bag. / It's a bag for life. / It's not ... it's not been incorrectly named. / __ __ just for Christmas __ that bag / ... Anyway, if you can beat that __ __ __ ... I'll level with you / how long have you got ... how long have you owned the bag? / Yeah, I know. ... When you say it like that ... when you say it like that, it doesn't sound good. / That's true. / Yeah. Still, we aren't looking for something to enter into the Sony's so ... this is it. / そう言ってしまえば、大したお題じゃないな。まあいいや。ソニー賞を狙ってるわけじゃないし。

This is a question for you. ... Has the first person who'll live to a thousand already been born? / Oh. __ __ __ __, innit? / Well, what do you think? / __ __ __ __ __ __ / I've got a story about it here. / Oh. Go on, then. / __ is a professor of geriatrics, who's devoted his career to a study of aging ... / Yeah. / ... and the extraordinary growth in human life expectancy. / Would it __ ... would it help if I give you an opinion to __ __ __ __ little bit? / Not really. But you can do it. / Well, __ __ __ __ if you __ want me to / Well, do it now. / I don't think they have been born. / Huh. What __ __ you __ base that on? / I don't think it's possible / live / that is ... that does ... that ... you certainly __ __ __ __ / You bit __ __, didn't you? / I __ say / what do you mean / you haven't even heard __ __ professor of geriatrics ha__ got to say / Well, I ... / and then you just lept in __ __ you don't think it's possible to live to a thousand / Well, granted I'm no expert on, uh ... you know __ __ human longevity__ __ __ / What about, uh, tortoises? / What about them? / Well, there'__ loads of / thousand years / out there, aren't there? / hundreds / 150 / tortoise / Huh, do they ? / Yeah. / Uh ... / They're not __ thousand__. / Aren't they? / __ __ trees, ... there'__ some / how would you know / thousand / already older than the oldest person / could / possibly witnessed their births ... __ they? / ... Mate, it's not like, they've got, like, you know, births and deaths noted down, is it? / No? / you know / down / that's a good point / talking / You are relying on somebody who's / 150 / yeah / innit? / there __ no rings on them __ __ like a tree ... / No. / ... as far as I know. I'm no expert. / Well, you might __ __ __ __ __ / Don't do that / year-old tortoise / aren't you? / Yeah. / That's a good point. I guess it's just / There's no __ __ marks on the shell __ __ __ __ __ / Well, I think it is / I think / just the size of the shell. The bigger they get __ __ the older they are / lived __ __ 150. ... And don't ask __ __ I __ __ __ __ an expert, but I just __ __ I think that's just __ common knowledge. / ... So, is that what it is? The size of the shell? / I think so. / They start off little tiny things, and giant ... So, giant ... / Yeah. / ... are you telling me that giant tortoises are just older tortoises? / Oh, I don't know. No, I don't think so, 'cause they live on the Galápagos Islands, don't they? ... / so, I think / different breed. ... But I think, on the whole, it is reflective of ... Yeah, / there __ ... loads of, uh ... / doesn't apply to dogs. You couldn't say / dog / older / that's right / It's not as simple as that, is it? / No, it's not. ... But, you know, the ... / __ __ chihuahua who's older than a Great Dane, sometimes. / Yeah. I mean, they ... uh, if you had massive chihuahuas wandering around __ __ easy way / doesn't work / quite right / different breed / doesn't work __ __ humans / why should / work with tortoises? / Because ... uh ... during the Ninja Turtle craze, ... do you remember __ __ __ __ released in __ __ / Are you seriously basing ... / ... massive ... / ... you are basing your confident statements about turtle sizes __ __ the shells being related to age __ __ __ is based ... all based on ... teenage mutant ninja turtles __ __? / I've got ... uh, I've gotta base mine __ __ __ Turtles in a minute. / ... No. It was just an added bit of knowledge that I thought would help __ __. / OK. What is it? / Uh ... __ __ just __ __ grew massive __ and ended up taking __ people's pond__ __ __ __ goldfish. ... But the point is, they started little, ... they ... they __ __ bought as __ little pets / put in __ pond__ / and then they grew massive, and, so ... / I'm not disputing ... / I'm not disputing the fact that __ many species / start small and grow bigger. Right? / __s, innit? / Yeah. __s. I'm not disputing that. / No? / __ somebody please get in touch and tell us, A: if there is __ thousand-year-old tortoise out there, B: If not, and we know there are not, C: Is the size of the shell ... what ... is that ... is that it? / And also, how long ... / So, are __ always young? / __ __ __ __ / also, don't forget __ __ __ __ as well __ __ be very useful. ... This professor of geriatrics says ... uh ... look, "Average life expectancies doubled, from 40 to 80 years. / In how long? / In the last hundred years. / That's rubbish. / Doubled in the last ... Yeah. / that's rubbish. People ... people were living longer than 40. / No in 1900. / In 1900? / No. / Really? / No. / Isn't that a class thing, no? / I don't know. He __ __ __ __ to that. / All right. / He says, "Average life expectancy doubled from 40 to 80 years old ... / Yeah? / ... since 1900. Right? "In 1997, there was a French woman who lived to 122." / Wow. / Right? Yeah, they took her shell off and, uh ... / 彼女の甲羅を調べたんだろう / ... Uh ... "It's rising ... " ... Listen to this, / Yeah, / Here's some facts __ get your little head around, right? ... "In developed countries, it's rising by two to three years ... / Yeah, / ... every ten years." / OK. / Right? / Yeah. / Put another way, every week, newborns gain an extra weekend of life expectancy. / Yeah. / Put another way, every day, they gain 6 hours. / Wow. / And I ... I don't know how that works today __ __ clock__s going back. ... __ __ __ __ __ __ work that out. Um ... he says here, "Some people in my field, geriatrics, ... / Huh huh, / ... think we've already ..." ... I mean, he's not a geriatric. That's his field. / Yeah. I get it. / Yeah. Uh ... "they declared, "We've already seen the birth of the first person who will live to a thousand. / Does it go on to say you have to put them in a box to hibernate over the winter? / No. / No? / It says / __ __ what's more __ entirely possible that this first m__n, thousand-year-old person, will remain in good health for much of their life span. / Rubbish. / That's what it says here. / That ... that's rubbish. / No. That's what it says here. / It's ridiculous. Just __ ... you know, when we were talking earlier about how long have you owned a bag / wrote it down / and __ how ridiculous the sentence was. / Yeah. / you / just think / ridiculous that sentence is / someone / ridiculous / someone / to 80 years old ... 100 years old __ __ ridiculous / would you? You wouldn't know. / I can't put myself in the ... in the boots of Victorian sceptic. / Well, try it. / ... You're right. ... Madness. ... Uh, look. It says here, "Changes to the environment, sufficient food for everyone, clean drinking water, and __ eradication of many infectious ... / Yeah, / ... diseases / OK. / Right? Well, there you go. What do you think? / Well ... I don't know __ __ __ got reference point of tortoises ... so, ... / ... On the ... / I'm ... I'm not __ __ __ __ strength. / on the back of this, though, you can buy, now I have noted, in a different newspaper, different article, ... I've related the two of them ... uh ... it says here, you can buy a clock now / how long you're gonna live / How does that work? / Battery. ... / どうやって動くの？/ 電池で / ... It's called life-clock. It's about to be released. Right? / Huh huh. / It might even have been released now 'cause I've been carrying around the story / in my, uh, plastic bag / for ages / Huh. / using personal data such as how much exercise you take ..." Oh dear. That's nothing for me. / "... and what you eat ..." Oh dear. That's not good for me. ... / life clock predicts the user's life expectancy / Right. / Right? / just __ on those two facts? / loads of other stuff? / loads of other things / Huh huh, / Right? And it says here, "... down to the last second, it can tell you how / you have left on earth / Rubbish. Rubbish. Rubbish. / You are very sceptical today. You're ... I'm gonna ... / listen to the ... the words ... / OK. / ... you are saying / OK. / sentences. / "down to the last second"? / I'm gonna call you sceptic of the week now. / Huh. OK. / new title. / Sceptic of the week. / Yeah yeah. ... Go on, why is it rubbish? / Uh ... well, down to the last second it can predict how long you're gonna be on earth? / Huh. / Rubbish. / Well ... let me ... well, of course that's rubbish. / Well, that's what I'm sceptical about. / Well, uh, if you are saying it's rubbish that it can predict down to the last second, how long you've got left / Yes, __ __ I am / What it's saying is not that. It's saying that it will give you a prediction of how long, to the last second, you'll live on. / Well, if it's not accurate, what's the point in it? / It's a prediction. / Yeah, but what's the point if it's not accurate? / It's a prediction. / I'm just gonna say that again. / Well, I'm gonna say that again / exactly the same words. / Well, that's what I'm saying. It's pointless. / It's a prediction / It's pointless ... yeah, but what's the point if it's not accurate? / Well, / like me saying / predict / All Blacks will win / against South Africa / Yeah? Then ... / so pointless / say / paid off __ __ sporting event, not __ your own death. / Well, __ __ pay off / there is no joy in that, is there? / 死ぬ予測が当たったってうれしくも何ともない / There is. If I ... if I buy a clock / you've got left / when you / how would you know / die first / out by a minute / I'll send that back. ... I'll send it back / get my 9.99 back / well, if that ... if that's your first instinct that __ __ __ what you wanna do on the point of my death, then that says a lot about our friendship. / charming, that / Come on, though / you / What's happened? Oh? Korkey's died? Oh, my clock was wrong. / どうしたの？ え？ コーキーが死んだ？... なんてこった ... 時計が間違ってる。 / Korkey's died? ... Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let me get the clock for life / __ __ two days out. / What time did he die, exactly? ... Could you be more specific? Have we got __ ... __ __ __ recorded / the second / Korkey / check the clock / if it was wrong / I / send it back / rightly so ... in a fit of peak. / In a fit of peak, I'd __ __ __ __ refund from __ i__ catalogue. / Yeah. __ good. / __ __ let's bet __ who lives the longest ... __ __ __ __ dark, innit? Forget it. / Uh ... / Scratch that. Scratch that feature. / Yeah. Forget it. / お題: オレとコーキー、どちらが先に死ぬか？ / ... That's the worst feature we've ever had. ... "Who's gonna live longer __ __ __" / __ __ __ __ __ __, innit? / by the ... / you are you are tempting fate, / This clock / you know. / you'd be / definitely / exercise / I don't / earlier. / I know __ __ little treat / you made me eat / Thanks a lot. You've just taken a few seconds off my clock for life. / Yeah? / Anyway, uh ... so, / clocks for life / what about __ bags for life? / bag / me? / Oh, yeah. / I __ have to put that in my will. / 遺書に書いといたほうがいいな / I'll tell you what. It's certainly got a ... a ... a longer half-life 'cause that'll take more time to rot than you would / ... It definitely / because it __ take millions of years to ... uh ... decompose. / Decompose, yeah. Two hundred and six, five, thousand half-life, ... those sort of things. / Yeah yeah. OK. Forget that. __ __ __ __ __ me. / Yeah. it's __, basically, innit? / Um ... / __ __ __ pay off __ some other features we've got / some of other features / from people getting in touch / some other features are ... / Which ones have caught on, Rhod? / Uh ... well, I'm just browsing / I once had a bag for life ... / Here we go. / ... and I left it to the shop in my will." / 私のマイバッグはお店にひきとってもらうよう、遺書に書いておきました / ... Huh. __ __ from __ in Cardiff. So, that __ sort of, recycling / g__ scale / put it back into the system ... / Yeah. / ... back into the bag eco-system. / Good. / __ nice __ __ __ __ email. Uh ... "Hi Rhod and Korkey, I've had a bag for life for around three years. / Oh, this is a good one. / I'm expecting it to last indefinitely because I never remember to take it to the shop. / いつも持っていくのを忘れますので、私のバッグは永遠にもつと思います / Huh, yeah. / We must qualify the feature: How long have you had a bag for life ... uh ... but, used it as well. / ... ちょっと、お題の趣旨をはっきりさせる必要がある。使ってないバッグはだめ。 / but that'd rule so many people out. If you just go __ __ __ __ get those people, and then __other people. / No. But ... look, there'll be lots of people out there who w__ go, "Huh. Let's have a look behind __ door / something / dig out all the bags and look / bag for life / ten / since bag for life / started / they haven't used it / and / that's nothing / shifting the goal post / great shape / __'re really shifting the goal post / these things evolve. __ __ run with it. / All right. / You ... you've got to accept that, when we say __ __ bag for life __ __ and used it on a regular basis. / OK. / I use that every week, don't forget. / Well, I __ how long have you owned __ bag / broader. / Well, not any more. / OK. Well, how long have you owned / entry-level bag for life that has been used with some regularity? / All right. / and used it / Put that down / entry-level bag-for-life. / OK. / Uh ... what else have we got here? ... bags for life ... um ... uh ... oh, hang on a minute. We __ __ tortoises. Do you want to hear this? / Here we go. I knew ... I knew one of these __ bite. / Uh ... Jeff __ __ __ __ easy way to find out how old a giant tortoise is, on his or her birthday, count the candles on their birthday cake. ... / ゾウガメの年齢を知るには？... そのゾウガメの誕生日にケーキに刺さっているろうそくの数を数える。 / Well, ... I don't know if you've got the gist of this show, mate, but we are looking for serious, scientific responses to this.

(15:20)

Uh ... "I've got a 35-year-old pair of underpants ... M__&__'s pants for life." / 一生もののパンツ / ... says, uh, __ __ / 35 years / tweeted @rhodgilbertshow ... Yeah, / Mind you, that's what you do, innit? / What? / Remember, when we lived together, / you / three or four pairs of pants / all __ __ elastic are gone / I mean / about / 20 years old, __ they? / I don't need elastic. / Huh? ... Have you had new pants since? / Yeah, I have, yeah. / Have you? / Yeah. / Have you totally cleared ... have you got any of those left? / Greg Davies and Lloyd Langford, uh, when we were filming something a few years ago, went out ... left the hotel, went to the town, and bought me pants. / Huh, did they? / ... in a kinda protest. / Yeah? / ... in a kinda clean protest. / ... So, you've got none of the ... you know, ol ... old ... / __ originals? / Yeah. / Oh yeah. The old boys are still there. / Have you? Do you still use them? / Yeah. / Do you really? __ __ __ __ / yeah / Really? / Yeah. / How many? ... Have you __ any of them? / Not that I know of. ... Why would I? ... Why would I? I'm not Liberace. / Did __ __ wear, uh, brand-new pants __ __? / What do you do then? / just throw out perfectly good pants / replace everything __ __ / point / they're not perfectly good. They were barely held together by ... anything. / That's enough. / you __ __ __ __ would hang down, wouldn't they? / Yeah. / They were, like, anti-pants. They were like ... they didn't do the job at all __ __ pointless. / Yeah. / Yeah. But you still / you still / __ bag, some of them. ... That's ... that's good enough, innit? ... And what do you want from pants? __ __ __ you know, it's not like__ gotta do ... you know, it's not like __ __ any big ... big job to do, is it? / All right. It's your pants. I'm just ... / わかったよ。君のパンツだ。好きにしろよ。 / Do you know what I mean? It's not rocket science, is it? All they've gotta do is provide some ... some kind of layer between you and your trousers. / Yeah. / Talking of trousers, we've got a feature ... / tea towel down there, Rhod / ならパンツでなく手拭いでも巻きつけとけば / ... Good. ... / pants you had or still have. / Yeah. But I use those as tea towels. / ... OK, fair enough. / See? See the difference? / Yeah, I get it. ... I get it. Your logic totally applys. / __ __ trousers feature / 8 10 12 / get in touch, @rhodgilbertshow / the trou ... the trousers feature __ have launched. / Oh yeah. / Uh, this is ... Apparently, Marilyn Monroe's dress ... / Huh huh, / ... in the 1955 film, The Seven Year Itch ... / Huh huh, / ... has been voted the top dress ever worn by a woman in film, __ __ ... / Is that the one that was ... __ steam coming up from the grid__ __? / I presume so / Yeah. / presume it's the ... __ presume it's the one / she was, kind of, trying to keep it down / blowing up from the ... you know, / An iconic shot. / An iconic photograph, ... right? ... in a survey. Uh ... they also chose Geri Halliwell's 1997 Union Jack dress. / Oh yeah. Good dress. / I thought, this is a bit sexist, this. / Right. / So, why don't we launch our own feature, which is, "What is your favorite pair of trousers in a film?" / Huh, this is great. ... That's really good. / I'm gonna kick this off with Tom Hanks's trousers in Big. / Oh ... that. ... Why? / ... Because __ __ __ __ __ popped in my head. / OK. / I'm just kicking this off. / I'll __ ... I'll back that up with ... um ... / Were you gonna say Jimmy Cagney ? / Huh? / __ __ __ / No. / __ __ __ __ I was gonna say Jimmy Cagney's trousers / had / good pleat, didn't they? / OK. I ... I was gonna say, um, the trousers from ... The Great Escape, where they emptied out / soil underneath. You know, __ kinda, like ... they emtied the soil / yeah / that is a good pair of trousers / __ __ good trousers from a film, innit? / Yeah. ... We're allowing __ adapted trousers / それを認めると、改造したズボンもオーケーってことになるな。 / that's, kind of, adapted / Yeah. Go on / customized / ourselves on this / I just / let's embrace all / trousers / about time / It's about time / less sexist / What's your favorite pair of trousers / もう性差別をする時代ではないと思うんだ。だから、最も印象的な女性のドレスを決めるなら、同じく最も印象的な男性のズボンも決めるべきだ。 / I like that a lot. That's a really ... that's a really really strong feature. / It is. ... 8 ... another one, uh ... 8 ... / ... including shorts. Including shorts? / No. / ... Don't look at me __ __ __ / Well, don't burn it short / ridiculous idea. / We'll do that next week / OK. / What about, um, like, sort of, / you know / length trousers / Why would you not allow / three / Why would you not allow / それがダメって理由はない / Three-quarter length? / Yeah. / Yeah, yeah, of course, yeah. / Do the trousers ... OK, what if __ __ __ / I don't think you'd find a film / somebody / three-quarter / you were gonna say / or something, were you? / war films. ... __ __sky? he didn't have / quarter-length / Didn't he? / Oh, yeah / big shorts / あれは半ズボンではなく、でかいパンツだ / Yeah. You can't have that. / 半ズボンはいかん。 / No? Fine. I was gonna suggest __sky. / __ it's good __ people __ at least __ __ in the middle of typing that. ... They can't have it.

Uh, what have you got there? / Um ... __ __'s trousers from __ __ __ / Good trousers. / ... Uh ... Greg Davies's trounsers from The Inbetweeners. / Yeah. Good trousers. / Yeah. / Very very ... very very long. / Extremely long. / Very very long. / I mean, __ they would __ __ him, apparently. / Would they? / Hmm. / Well, he has got __ inside legs __ ... I don't know how long __ __ ... / Half a mile. / About half a mile, yeah. / Uh ... Han Solo's trousers in Star Wars. / ... I can't think of Han Solo's ... / Black, just black ... trousers they were. / Were they? / Quite tight / What was good about them? / Well, just stylish. / Were they? / clearly __ very flexible because __ __ around a lot. / OK. / Um ... Dick Van Dyke's trousers from Mary Poppins / Good trousers. / 'cause he did __ old cockney dance. / he did __ __ they must have been / flexible / very flexible. Uh ... Keane Leeves' trousers / Matrix. Couldn't remember / leather or not / whether / mix it up with his mate. But, you know, / What are you talking about? / Good trousers. Keane Leeves' trousers in the Matix / What are they like? / black / shiny, are they? / clearly / black trousers / quite shiny / yeah / thank god the news is coming up, mate. / M__ / This is frightening / your ... What? / Mowgli / hasn't got trousers / I like Jungle Book. I want to get / in there / I __ __ think / You can't get Jungle Book in. / the closest I could come. ... Fred Astair's trousers in Top Hat. / I can't picture him. / Just, uh ... black / ... or did I? / __ / __ / __ / dancing in them, yeah. / good trousers / in them / good trousers / Let us know your favorite trousers / but / we should probably open it up 'cause people are sending in things / just / trousers / generally / you need to stay focused on your features / half the problem here. / in the original thing that kicked this off in the paper ... __ said, uh, Marilyn Monroe's dress ... / yeah / ... uh, has been voted the most, uh, sort of, favorite dress ... __ most iconic dress / film / then / did, and / but then __ said / also, that, in the survey, people also liked ... uh ... Geri Halliwell's Union Jack dress. / that's not film / Spice Girls / was a film, wasn't it? / Huh huh, / ... unfortunately, ... and ... uh ... / but you noticed it was a bit sexist, and __ / Well, I ... / __ __ social comment, almost satir, and it's led into a funny feature / Yeah. Favorite trousers from ... / Films ? / ... films. / extended to __ favorite trousers, then it's just ... / Yeah, but ... / ... total nonsense / if I don't allow other trousers / leave out this one / look / and they are good trousers. / He was in a film. / Huh? / Lemmy: The Movie. And if you haven't seen it, you should watch it. / I haven't. / Absolutely brilliant. / Um ... do you know what? I am writing down the words "Lemmy: The Movie" and I'm gonna watch that at the next available opportunity. / It's fantastic. / I haven't seen it. / Yeah. / I'm gonna watch it. I will look out for his trousers. I know the trousers / sent in a picture as well __ __ __ __ __ "she" ... __ could be a "he". Uh ... @rhodgilbertshow, they've tweeted ... __ __ __ tweeted to you @chriskorkey / and @bbcradiowales / last time I checked __ it's hard to tell __ age of any animal unless it's a well-spoken b__." That's ... uh ... / age of, uh, tortoises. / True. / Uh ... / Fact. / uh ... "Hi Rhod, what about W__'s trousers in W__ and __, the long trousers? / That's gotta be right up there, __ __? / ... from Rachel and Dave, driving from Cardiff / driving / day out / both mechanical and khaki-colored ... 'cause he's __ __ __ trousers, isn't he? / "Hi Rhod, I was gonna say the pair from The Great Escape, but Korkey got there first. So, it'd have to be Beetlejuice's trousers." ... says __ ... uh ... in Swansea. / Huh, nice that she thought of The Great Escape as well. / Uh ... this one is a good one. Look at this, "Diane Keaton's p__ baggie flare in Annie Hall. Absolute c__s." ... says ... says ... says Bob ... from __ / I know the pair you mean / I know the pair ... I know the pair you mean. ... I was trying to, sort of, make a comment by having, uh, men's favorite trousers to, sort of, uh, point something out / back to women / __ __ __ be sexist. / absolutely not. Uh, __ did say "trousers" / and, uh, that stands. Um ... "Rhod and Korkey, I'm listening live for the first time __ __ __ __ don't let me down. __ / too late for that, __ / I think / probably let you down / Sorry. / Uh ... apologies. ... "I have a bag for life from a well-known supermarket ..." ... says __ from Swansea. / Here we go. / ... that's been in my car since Christmas 2011, and I use it to carry shopping from the store to my car. / An excellent email. / It is an excellent email, although, __ gets __ the car, why __n't __ __ __ ... does __ __ __ __ / I guess he does / empty everything out in the car, leave the bag there, and then transfer __ __ different vehicle / That'd be ridiculous __ __ __ __ / I imagine __ uses it to transfer __ groceries. / Uh ... you don't get __ __ __ because we've established that mine is four to five years, my bag, so, you__ __ __ __ four years. If anything, it's a draw, so far, between you and me / you have wasted __ to find / uh ... / "Hi Rhod and Korkey, I'm listening live for the first time / I'm loving the show. I think / I might be / youngest listener / you possibly are. / Welcome to the show. / You possibly are, although you are ... oh, feature idea. / Do your homework. / 宿題やったか？ / Feature idea. Uh ... I think this is the same person, __ from __ / uh ... "Feature idea: 'S A Small World / I think we've, uh, done that kinda thing ... loads of times. Little coincidences __ __ / oh, look / I'm in ... uh ... / here I am, gone to America, and I bumped into my neighbour ... that kinda stuff. / Yeah. / You know. Uh ... "When went to Turkey in __ summer, my grandad met __ shopkeeper, who __ __ Wales __ / that's not much of a coincidence. ... "... but __ friend __ __ owner of the pub __ __ the top of my grandma's estate / That's a good one. / ... in / his brother / also / kebab shop in N__ / Oh, / quite good / That is quite a good one. Uh, "... weird, considering that my grandad had never seen the shopkeeper before." ... What? Never __ __ shopkeeper? ... Oh, I see. OK. __ __ ... / __ __ __ from Swansea / Huh, that's a nice idea, __ / Good idea. / and thanks for bringing __ average age of my listenership down, uh, by about 40 years. ... Now, you remember, earlier in the show, Korkey, uh ... we were talking about ... uh ... there are lots of correspondence coming in about tortoises and age and stuff ... / Yeah. / ... 'cause, you remember / we were talking / about / will people live to a thousand years old / I do remember that, yeah. / You poo-pooed it. / I poo-pooed it. / I said, "Then look at the story here about ... you can buy a clock that tells you ... predicts, to the second, how long you live. You poo-pooed that. / I poo-pooed that. / ... leading to me, uh, giving you the a__, Cynic of the Week. / Huh huh, / Well, anyway, we also were wondering about how you tell / age of a tortoise / I suggested there might be __ thousand-year-old tortoises / you said / Poo-pooed it. / could be because ... you said / 150 tops, / Huh huh, / I said, "But how would you know?" / Huh huh. / there's no birth certificate ... / No. / ... is there? Nobody was around 150 years ago to record their birth. / __ __ a good point. / It was a good point. / I acknowledged. / ... You said it's the size of them. The bigger the tortoises, the older they are. / I suggested it was a good clue / ... in a sort of ... in a sort of, uh ... / Yeah, / ... school ... schoolyard aphorism ... / Yeah. / ... like, the bigger they are, the / And you pointed out ... / the older they are / the bigger they are, the older they are / tortoises / pointed out / babies / Yeah, I pointed it out / many species / get bigger / get older / ... which is a good point. / Hey, how tall are you? / 6 foot 2. / Right. I'm 6 foot. / Yeah. / But I'm older than you. / There you go. / Huh? Just ... There we are / water / logic / __ __ __ __ __ the water. ... "Listening to the show, I thought I could help." ... says ... oh, this is ... um ... she used to ... when she used to write in, this girl, she used to tell me ... give me help pronouncing her name ... / Oh yeah? / ... 'cause I can't remember ... It's Rebecca / M__, innit / M__ / Yeah. / from B__, pronunced B__ / Yeah. / "Listening to the show, I thought I could help. I used to work in a tortoise sanctuary. ... / Here we go. She'll know. / ... It depends on the breed of the tortoise ... / OK. / ... when it comes to their age. The average small tortoise, common in shops ... / Yeah, for pets __ __ / ... can be identified, until adulthood, based, on their size. ... / Huh. / ... After that, it is ..." What __ __ mean? After what? / Well, after they become adults. / Huh? ... The average small tortoise, common in shops, can be identified ... oh, until adulthood. Sorry, yeah, sorry. / Yeah. __ __ same as being / baby to an adult / Yeah, after adulthood / yeah, of course, yeah / it __ difficult to tell until old-age signs start showing. ... / So, so far, __ __ exactly like the human being. / Yeah. / Hmm. / ... "Tropical tort ... exce ... except __ we don't know, in a human being ... / Huh huh, / ... we know ... we know, roughly, / Huh huh, / roughly, when old-age signs start showing. / True. / Don't they? Like we are showing them / but / tortoise / when does that old age start showing? Could be a thousand. / It doesn't matter because you're able to see it in their behavior. / Yeah, but they could ... they could be 900. / Huh? / could be 900 years old. / Oh, I see what you mean. Yeah. Good point. / oh, my tortoise__ / looks like he's aigng." "Yeah. But how old is he?" / I don't know / Good point. / Right. ... "Tropical tortoises are the same. But they grow bigger, and take longer to reach adulthood." / Huh, OK. / Yeah. ... "They also live longer, to about 80 years. ... / What about Galápagos? Come on, pay __ __ the Galápagos Islands. / ... Larger tortoises __ / Here we go. / grow to 1 meter / Yeah, / age can be identified by size / same thing here. / What's the point? Get to the point. / Get to the point. ... "They live between __ and 200 years. ... / Yes. We know this. / ... As tortoises don't have teeth ..." ... Do they have ... do they ... don't they have teeth? / No. They have a little, um, / little beak, don't they ? / that doesn't mean they haven't got teeth / beaks, mate. You could still have teeth in a beak / no __ __ __ __ __ __ beak / Haven't you? ... You could have teeth in a beak, couldn't you? / ... Well ... well, I don't think it's in nature. / What? Like, __ beak / teeth / Yeah. ... That's the whole point. / you either get a ... in the queue / giving out some mouths / Beak. / Yeah. __ __ __ __ / teeth, please. __ __ __, mate. Beak it is. / Sorry, mate. __ __ __ __ / ... Is that true you can't ... tortoises don't __ __ I'm already doubting. This is Rebecca M__ / Anyway, stick to the point / tortoises don't have teeth / their age is more of an estimate. / there is no point / absolutely no point. / helped. / We've got another one here. / ... got involved, thank you, but ... hasn't actually answered the question. / Got another one here. / Yes. / Scute rings ... / What ... what's that? What's that? What sort of start of an email is that? / __ __ __ explain. / Scute rings ... / until about 20 years / do we? / maybe / stuff they collect? / Is __ the rings on their back / p ... probably / the design / actual shell, isn't it? / a pattern ... "... but only for tortoises that live in a wild or semi-wild existence." / Huh. So, domestic ones don't have scute rings? / ... No. ... "... since their growth varies over the course of the year, creating ..." Hhhh ... " ... size is also a rough indicator of age." ... Look at this. Look at this. This is ... Look at this. / Yeah. / size is also a rough indicator of age, but it depends on how much they've been eating." ... Wha ... I mean, come on. / I can't believe scientists are paid for __.

"Hi Rhod and Korkey, I think Brad Pitt's jeans in Thelma and Loise deserve a mention." / Sure. / ... Consider it done, uh, Susan Edmonds. ... We'__ talking about, uh, best film trousers. / Because ... ? / Because ... does it matter? ... "Dear Rhod and Korkey" ... Uh ... hang on, uh, "How many candles would you need for the birthday cake of a Turritopsis dohrnii, those immortal jellyfish? Regards" ... That ... Is there immortal jellyfish out there? / Wow. / That's a new ... uh ... that's a new animal fact that I wasn't aware of. / Yeah. / We've been talking the age of, uh, tortoise ... tortoises ... What is the plural of "tortoise"? / Good question. / Is it "torti" or something? ... Or is t__ / like chocolate t__ / plural of "t__" / Let's go for "tortoises". / Yeah. / Uh ... so, is there immortal jellyfish now / I __ __ __ __ if there is / how would anybody know / is immortal / if you can't tell if a tortoise is ... / Yeah, / ... older than the oldest human, how would you know if a jellyfish is immortal? / Great point. / it's not possible ... because it might live for fifty thousand years. That might be its life span. But then no one would know __ you can't say it is immortal / producer, who I ... __ __ __ __ in here, knows nothing about jellyfish / Huh huh, / just came to my ear and said, "It regenerates." ... like Dr. Who. But is that then the same jellyfish? / ... Wow, these are huge ... / They do look alike a lot / ... huge, moral, philosophical, uh, points you are raising here, mate. / Is it possible for a jellyfish to be immortal? / Can we just go back to __ "How long have you owned your bag?" ... This is .../ How would you know if a jellyfish / It's not a joke. How would you tell / how would you know / if there is any scientist out there, ... / how / tell / exactly / forever / It can't be possible, can it? / Can / forever? / I mean / I don't know. __ __ the sea hasn't been around that long, has it? / Not forever. / What was it doing before that? / Good point. / I don't think it is a good point, mate. / Huh? / I don't think that is a good point. / No? / Just because something is immortal doesn't mean that it has always existed. ... __ are talking about ... / Oh yeah. Another good point. ... Yeah. / God, __ __ __ __ seaw__ of good point__ / you're making. / __ ... I'm ... I'm hot today. / __ __ on fire. / Considering I haven't said anything probably remotely accurately, I'm on fire. / You are on fire. / ... Uh ... this isn't to do with tortoises, but I thought I'd call in with something about animals." says D__ __. ... D__ __. Regular listener. / Huh, __ __ __ __ / Yeah. We haven't heard from him for a while, have we? / No. / Uh ... this is ... this blows my mind. / ... Random__ __ __ __ fact / Ran ... no, not random / It's age-related. / OK. / Yeah. ... / While we are still __ing from the possibility of immortal jellyfish ... / It blows your mind more than immortal jellyfish, this next fact? / I think probably it does. / Wow. / "If you get an African parrot"... It doesn't say __ get one / Probably illegal. / Uh, Yeah. Don't do it at home, kids. / Don't get one. / Yeah. ... "If you get an African parrot" from __, ... it says, / Right. / "If you get an African parrot, ... / Yes, / ... and on his first birthday you teach him to say, "I'm one years old" ... / The parrot years ... uh ... __ __ to human years / Uh, I don't know / is it like / dog's life, like, dog years and cat years, they go faster / like / how would you know / how long is the parrot year? / Yeah. But you know ... you know / like / how many birthdays a year / __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ / she's / whatever it is __ __ you know, I celebrate her birthday on a certain ... on a given date, which is the d__ I know she was born / I'm not going to / look / her birthday again / six ... every six weeks / OK. / you use human years for their birthdays ... / Yeah. / ... ignoring the fact that animals have different years ... as __ __ / Why do animals have different years? What does that even mean? / Well, uh ... because they are, kind of ... / The year is just a ... a thing man has made up, like, a calendar cycle. / Yeah. / So, why would animals have different years? / uh ... __ __ __ equivalent, don't they? ... __ __ __ equivalent to / different / five dog years is equivalent to one human year. / I take / but why / why / what does that even mean? / I don't know, really. It's pretty arbitrary, innit? / It ... it ... they've tried ... what they were trying to do is / life span of a dog __ __ __ life span of a human / that's right / __ __ dogs __ seven years / year / fair ... fairly abstract / invented based on ... / Yeah. / dogs __ that differently, have they? / 人間の一年と犬の一年は違うってどういう意味だよ？　暦はもともと人間が恣意的に作ったものだ。人間のとは違う暦を犬が独自に作って使ってるわけじゃないだろ。 / dogs / they? / dogs haven't worked / different system / __s to me that animals don't have birthdays. This is a human construct. So my point is irrelevant. ... It's not like they're ... you know, / 動物には誕生日の概念がないから、どっちみち関係ないね。 / Well, we can't know that. / ... OK. / I mean, I've never seen them __ __ __ __ having a party / dogs don't have birthdays / I've never seen / independent / having a party and there's no adults around. / No. Get back to the parrot / ヨウムの話に戻ろうよ / look / dog over there __ __ __ __ __ no adults __ inside __ __ __ __ safe to say, don't have birthday parties ... / No. / ... do they? / No. / Oh, __ __ __ miss __'s birthday. Go get him a card. Get down __ the garage. / ... It says here, "If you get an African parrot, ..." / Yeah. / right / on his first birthday / right? / you teach him to say he's one years old / Yeah. / "I'm one years old !" / every year / birthday / he will tell you how old he is. / ... Right. / brackets / say "two years old", and, on his third birthday, he will say, "Three years old" / I love that idea. / you're looking at me as if __ could ... you're looking at this, thinking about it. / Yeah. / Mate, don't. ... __ __ look ... I've never seen you look so vacant. You look __ __ your mouth open, your eyes are looking up to the right, up to the left / thinking about whether this could be true / my eyes / parrot / every year / tell / how old he is / Of course he couldn't. / No? / Of course he couldn't. ... Let's have some music. I can't cope. / ヨウムを手に入れ、それの１歳の誕生日に「ボクハイッサイデス」と言うように教えると、２歳の誕生日には「ボクハニサイデス」、３歳の誕生日には「ボクハサンサイデス」 ... と言うようになる。

This has come in from someone. Look at this. "The winner of a competition to name the new leisure centre in Selby, __ __ named __ S__ __ / he's won free year's membership / leisure and culture trust. / And what did he call it? / Selby Leisure Centre.

If you enjoyed that, why not listen to the whole show? Rhod Gilbert live on Saturday mornings, BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.

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